Killing Myself

Humans are cursed with the notion of self awareness. Through pages of history writers, painters, poets and scholars have dabbled with the notion of existence and, yet, here we are left as utterly confused as when we began. Millenniums of development and advancement of the mind that the Homo Sapien possess has not awarded any progress to the true understanding of our being. The notion of what life is remains as much as a mystery to Daniel Dennett as it was to Plato. Yet, here we are, each one of us, trying to understand what we are doing in this utterly confounded Universe as each moment passes by, ceasing to be.

But the curse does not terminate on attempting to understand the idea of existence. It propels itself, exploring the world beyond the being. If life elicits a conversation, death draws in a debate. The mere essence of ceasing to be leads one to ponder into depth of the human mind and fathom what might be beyond. It leads to a sense of wonderment to realize that the as many discussions there can be found about life, even greater discussions can be achieved by death: it’s complete opposite; or can they even be considered antonyms? Is not one an extension of other?

Alas, I deter from the true path I set onto tonight. The idea of committing an act considered heinous enough in itself, that people choose to shun even talking about it; avoid it at all costs. An idea that has plagued people’s mind since time immemorial. While the realms of the unknown have stopped some, it has craved others into its clutches. An act arising from the mere consequence of having a mind that can think.

Treading on the path of life, one unavoidably hits a roadblock. An inevitable response to the situation is to attempt to move beyond the road block. To take things head on, as they say; and that, probably, can be considered the right thing to do.

Then arises another situation, where you realise that the road you have been traveling on, is not a road at all. You were not even heading anywhere. One can be sure that they saw a road ahead of them; they even asked for directions along the way and, yet, the discovery of a non existence of the path leaves one in shambles. Efforts in vain, stranded in the middle of nowhere, the person has nothing else to do but to cease to be.

And that is precisely what I want to do tonight.

Today,

I die,

not a man,

but a Phoenix in its utmost glory.

For from the ashes of the burnt rises the belief to begin again.

Attempting to take one’s life resonates the idea of unable to live with the self. For all the glory that the minds in the history have disputed about the living and beyond, a certain fact remains. The self is not constant. If one is ready to go the extent of killing oneself, the person should commence and kill the idea that they have for themselves. Decimate the person that they hate so much, and become the new. When one cannot stand living the way they are, they should stop doing it and find a new way to live. For it is never that paths cease to exist, it is our inability to see the new ones.

True salvation cannot be achieved by ending the tread along the path that no longer remains. It is achieved from the ability to march till the end in the depths of the unknown. Walking up to death myself probably seems satisfying today, but it will never be as satisfying as seeing him smile as he greets me, bowing down at the end of whatever path I make after I kill myself.

 

No Write, No Wrong

“It was the end of only the first day of a three day weekend and I had already binge watched the first season of BBC’s Sherlock.

A three day weekend? Yeah, well… You see a senior professor from our college had passed away. He had a stroke in the middle of the night. Given that he had served most of his life teaching students in the same college, the management decided that it would only be fair to declare the next day as a holiday to pay homage. The ‘next day’ happened to be a Friday.

Needless to say, a lot of my friends decided to make an impromptu trip to the beach. I decided to stay back. Not because I thought it was wrong to go on a celebration on the day that had been declared off for a person who had died. No, that wasn’t the reason AT ALL. The thing is, I was saving up for a bigger trip during the holidays and I knew that with my appetite, I would need a bigger budget.
Don’t judge us. You would have done the same. It’s not like we were not sad that the professor had died. We were; but he died of natural causes and he was quite old – it had to happen some day. Everyone accepted it and went on to the beach. (You’re still judging us, but it’s okay. I don’t care anymore)

Anyway, so it was the end of Friday and I was tired from the constant staring at my laptop screen. I did what any college student would do when he is tired and ready to sleep. I decided to knock on a few doors along the corridor to ask for food. Once my insatiable hunger was partially curbed, I decided to hit the sack.

I had probably only slept for a few hours, when I woke up. It was the middle of the night and for some reason I could not go back to sleep. And you know what happens when you lie on the bed trying to go to sleep and, for some reason, you can’t. That’s right – My brain entered ‘philosopher mode‘. I started to think about life and things that happen in life. Well, mostly my life, but you get the picture.

It was then that I realized that how meagre life really is but yet, there exists an enormous amount of things that we can learn. How did I reach there? I have no clue. It could have been the thought of being alone while all my friends were out to party; it could have been the death of a professor who we saw day in and day and only the other day had seemed like he would go on for ten more years; or it could have been the fact that my phone was blinking with low battery and I was too lazy to get up and plug it on the other side of the room. (With night thoughts, you never really know what leads where).

Whatever reason it might have been, it led me to an epiphany – learning is infinite in this finite life of ours.”

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Why did I narrate this story?
If you answered for dark humor – you are right! But not quite there…

The thing is, when I realised that there are so many things to learn, I decided to actively learn more each day. Learn as much as I can before I die. It’s not that I did not do things before. I always tried my hand at everything.
I had always been the person who would tag along with people to play water polo when I could barely keep myself afloat (No, I was not suicidal). But after that night, I decided to actively learn more things. Even if I don’t like them.

So what do I do when I don’t write? I travel. I explore. I observe. I listen. And through all that I learn.
I still binge watch shows. I still travel with friends. I still eat food (I do this a lot, actually). But now, all of that, along with enjoyment, is a learning process as well.

By no means is this a way to inspire anyone to do better. I could care less about that (Grammar tip: This means I do care a little and am trying actively to care less. When you don’t care at all, you say – I couldn’t care less).

I mean, if I had to give a TED talk seminar, even that crowd of sophisticated adults would boo me off stage since instead of inspiring people, I would narcissistically keep talking about myself.

I am just responding to a prompt from Blogging University’s Writing 101, which asked what I do when I don’t write, and I think I have gone on too long with that as well. So, I will stop.

Normally, I end my non fiction posts by my catchphrase asking you to WRITE ON.
But, for today, from one writer to another, take a step back and RELAX.

The Annoying List

In response to Blogging University’s Writing 101. Task for Day 2: Make a List

With so many things to learn in this huge world of ours, whatever we learn seems less. Every time I learn something new, I realize that there is so much more to explore. And yet, listing down the things I HAVE learnt is so annoying.

Here’s a list to show some of those.

a. Monday is always irritating – I have learnt to accept Monday as it is. It will be annoying and hectic and will always induce those butterflies in the stomach. I thought that it will go away after I move on from school. Little did I know, Mondays will always be the same.

Every Week

b. People WILL honk their horns – How many times have we been stuck in traffic and people have honked their horns when the light is CLEARLY still red? For me it is too many to remember. As much as my road rage builds up, I have realized that there will always be that one smart ass who I will want to say – ‘Fly over my car if you can, asshole!‘

Road Rage

c. There will always be people who abbreviate words – People who read my blog post regularly will know that I hate to see words abbreviated unnecessarily. But there are times when people will do that. There will be that one odd guy who uses ‘u‘ instead of ‘you‘ or maybe ‘lyf‘ for ‘life‘.
I accept it. And from my side, I make sure to delay the response by exactly double the amount of time he/she might have saved while typing lesser letters. Take that!

My Reaction

d. People will walk slow in front of you – This happens especially when you are in a hurry. So, the best thing to do is to start early but if you do find yourself stuck in situation like that, there is a passive aggressive way to go about dealing with things. You could step on the heel of their shoe and act like it was a mistake. Generally, twice should be enough to either make their shoes come off, so you can walk ahead or they let you simply walk ahead.

Warning – Don’t try to do this on people who walk slow because of physical handicaps. That is just crazy and insensitive and would actually get you beaten up.

e. Email Spam will exist – Whether it is a Nigerian Prince on his death bed claiming to be giving you his complete fortune, or a magical pill that can make you thin in a day. There will always be email trying to scam money out of you. Don’t click on the link, don’t send a mail back, just grin and press delete.

Just Press Delete

f. Video Game lag happens – To all the gamers out there, you know what I am talking about. Lag happens and just when you are about to knife your opponent in his back. You can blame the lag once, maybe even twice but do it always and you will be branded a sore loser. Sometimes, it is better to accept that you lost than blame it on lag.

h. Life will feel over – There will be times when you will feel that there is no point of existence anymore. Everyone falls to this pit some time. For most, it happens when you finish a good book or an awesome TV series. But what can we do? Get up and start again, that’s what. Find new things to do. Life is not over. Try watching another series. Go ahead!

Try to Get Over It

i. Mistakes happen – Life is meant to be a learning experience. Even if you decide to stay at home and do nothing, you will make mistakes and you will learn from them. There is no need to worry about it if people notice. Sure, if you are in high school try your best not to make mistakes but as you get older people accept it. Most of the times, it’s just in our head and most people don’t even notice till you point it out by saying that you forgot to add the point ‘g’ in the list.

j. Life Goes On – No matter what you do. No matter what happens around you. No matter what people say. Life goes. You might try to hide in the corner of your basement and try to accept the fact, but it won’t change. You are happy but life will go and make you sad at some point, and then it will continue to go on and make you happy again. Just go on with it and live it to the fullest. That’s the best thing you can do about it.

Just Live and Enjoy

These are just a few things that I have learnt happens. There is so much more that I have learnt in life but one has to stop somewhere. You wouldn’t want to read my complete life story now, would you?

I will be here again tomorrow with another prompt. Till then, from one writer to another, WRITE ON!

I Write, I Live, I Write Again

In response to Day 1 Task of Blogging University’s Writing 101: I write because…

Let’s try something. Read the next part slowly.

Imagine that you are standing in a large green meadow. In the distance, a part is covered in a white layer of daisies. It is like a great white blanket; but as you move closer to it, you begin to distinguish separate flowers. You get close and pluck one flower out and as soon as you do that, you can see a white cow with black spots levitate to you from a distance.

The cow speaks in a low pitched voice, one that of a female human being, ‘You have done a grievous crime, you shall be punished.’

You laugh at the absurdity of events but only manage to make the cow angry. Its eyes become red and almost instantly shoot a laser near your feet. You begin running away, trying to save your life, but the cow continues to chase…

What do you think? – That this was the most nonsensical piece of writing you ever read? – Yeah, well that’s true, but I wasn’t asking about that.

You’ve probably been to a meadow before, you might also have seen daisies, but you definitely would have never seen a floating cow shooting laser. And yet… Yet you managed to imagine the whole thing. All of it!

This is why I write.
It helps me see things I have never seen before, travel to places I have never visited, and most of all get to live the life of people I will never be.
It doesn’t stop there. Once I have experienced those things. By reading something I have written, other people can experience that as well. Isn’t that amazing?

Writing is like magic. With mere words you can make people experience, feel, emote, see, touch, smell, hear…

Writing is Magic

And let me tell you something. Even though some people claim different, all writings are meant to be read. That is why in the world today, blogs provide a great medium.

Write a story – People will read it.
Write a journal – People will read it.
Write about cows shooting laser – And people will still read it!

Even when people wrote their diaries, they addressed it to be read by someone, sometimes the diary itself. But that is the point of art, isn’t it? It is meant to be shown.

It is only when writing is meant to be read does the true emotions start flowing.

Just Words

And to me, writing is not just about giving. It is about receiving as well.

Receive praise, receive experiences, receive criticism, receive knowledge, receive as much as you can. That way the next time you write, you would only be able to give back that much more.

Writing is such an important part of my life that to describe why I write just leaves me short of words. And yet, I feel I don’t have the right words to describe it at all.

“Every one has one life to live. Through writing, I  manage to live several in that one.” – Me

I hope writing inspires in you as much as it inspires in me. Until next time, from one writer to another, WRITE ON!

 

Your Wish is My Command

In response to Daily Post’s Daily Prompt: Lucky Star and Three Coins in the Fountain

In an undiscerning age such as ours, people seem to want everything instantly. They want money, but aren’t willing to work for it as much. They want to be talented but aren’t willing to put in that much effort to learn. They want, but aren’t willing to wait.

In a time like this, getting a wish granted is probably and apt solution for all the woes of people.

The thing is whenever I hear about wishes being granted, I always think about the story Monkey’s Paw. You can ask for a wish but it might not turn out how you wanted.

Keeping that in my mind, here are the wishes which I would like to ask for.

 

• People become more tolerant of things. This is like asking for World Peace but that seems to be a temporary solution. A new matter would arise, differentiating people on the basis of something new entirely. If people become more tolerant of each other, most problems in the world would be solved right there.

 

• I remain motivated to do my work. Instant money, instant fame etc. can only go so far. I want money, I want fame but in all honesty, I want to work to get all that. I have already done it in a smaller scale and I know that getting something after putting effort into it is much more fulfilling than getting instant gratification.

 

• I really do not have a third wish, as of now, so in a normal scenario I would save the wish for later; but if hard pressed to make a wish I would ask for the ability to learn quickly and store that information indefinitely. There is so much to learn in this wide world of ours, that it is estimated that in a life time, one cannot learn all things presently available. A chance to learn all those things at a quicker pace would be much more fulfilling than asking for the entire knowledge at one go. Chances are that entire knowledge of the Universe would be so profound that one might not even comprehend it at one go, resulting in an explosion of head. Literal, mind blown.

I do not see the use of getting to the end, without having experienced the journey in the first place. That’s like asking for a vacation to end, before it has even begun.

With Eyes Wide Open

In response to Daily Prompt’s Daily Post: Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

Am I dreaming? I must be.

There is no other possible explanation to how this could be happening. I had turned over my resignation letter to my boss and was casually walking out of my office.

I mean, I always meant to do this. I hated being stuck in a job I had never planned on joining in the first place. It had always seemed mundane and dull but one has to do stuff for a living, I guess.

Everyday, I would dream of leaving the job and starting something of my own and everyday I would convince myself how the job is necessary for me. How I could simultaneously do a job and work on something I like but it never happened.

Slowly, the job had consumed all my time and had started to make my passions seem like a distant life of its own. Something which I could never achieve.

It was maybe then that a nerve snapped and I entered auto-pilot. I wrote down my resignation letter for the umpteenth time. I headed to my boss’s chamber and handed in my letter. I did not know what I was doing but it just had to be done.

‘What is this?’ he asked.

‘My resignation.’

He looked at me for a while not saying a word.

‘I don’t get it,’ he finally said. ‘Is it about the pay? Or do you have something entirely else in your mind?’

‘It’s not the pay. I just want something else. I want to start my own company.’

‘Do you have an idea? A plan?’

‘I have a very good idea and a brilliant plan but I have no clue where to begin,’ I was being completely honest. I did not want to hide anything.

‘Why don’t you continue till you figure that out?’

I shook my head. ‘No, this is something I have been meaning to do for a while. I don’t know how I will begin but I will not know it without starting and I definitely cannot begin with me here. I hope you understand.’

He took a deep breath. ‘I understand. I wish you well.’

‘Thank you, sir,’ I turned around and walked away.

I could not believe what I had done. Is it a dream?

No, no it isn’t. It is a step to achieve something I had been dreaming about for a long time with my eyes wide open.

Old Enough

I was walking down a corridor, when I overheard a person talk to somebody on the phone and he was telling him/her, ‘you are not old enough.’

This led me to think, when exactly does a person get old enough? People say it is at the age of 16, some disagree and say 18 is the age when you are actually grown up and some say 21 is the age when you are actually mature enough to think. Even then there restrictions to what people can do at certain ages.

So when exactly ARE you old enough? And this is the best answer I could come up with.

You know you are old enough when you do not want to grow older anymore and rather curse yourself to want to grow older in the first place, because being a kid is the best!

I would really like to know more perspective on what people think is old enough for them.

Noise – The Voice Within

Inspired from daily post’s Daily Prompts: A Source of Anxiety

It started when I was 16. I thought I heard someone talk to me. I kept hearing this voice, a slightly deeper, more mature version of my own voice. It told me what not to do.

‘Did you here that?’ I kept asking everyone hoping against all odds that I was not turning into a lunatic. And every time the reply was the same ‘Hear what?’

Finally, I realized that it was only I who could hear this voice.

Naturally, I believed that it was my sub-conscious mind talking to me, so I listened to it.

‘Don’t go to the party, you would be made fun of,’ it suggested. I didn’t go.

‘Don’t eat that food, people will call you fat,’ it said. I listened and didn’t eat.

‘Don’t try for the sports team, you won’t be able to make it,’ it told me. I agreed and didn’t try.

It kept telling me not to take the decisions I wanted to and I listened to it, followed it because I believed that it was guiding me down the correct path.

Slowly and gradually, I got accustomed to the voice. So used to it, that I could not take any decision without listening to what it had to say. It ordered me around and I followed without a second thought.

It told me to go to college and get a degree which I did not want because it would help get a job, so I did. It told me not join the debate team since it would distract me from my studies, so I didn’t. It told me that a minor in English would make no sense, I should minor in something else and that is what I did.

It told me to not play video games when I wanted to, it told me not go on a trip with my friends, it told and told me and I kept following what it said until one day I realized what was happening.

It was not the voice of my sub-conscious that was guiding me; it was the voice of what society wants me to be, what the society has deemed to be correct for an individual. The voice of the society had manifested itself as my sub-conscious, drowned my inner voice and was stopping me from doing anything apart from the things in the path it had chosen for me.

It was stopping me from living my life the way I wanted it to be.

And it was then that I realized that I have to stop listening to that voice but how could I? I had gotten accustomed to it; I was completely dependent on it. One time I did stop listening and realized that I was lost without it, but it had to be done, somehow.

So now, I have decided to take things slow . Try breaking the shackles one at a time.

‘You should not be writing this,’ it said and as you can see, this time I did.