Inspired from daily post’s Daily Prompts: A Source of Anxiety
It started when I was 16. I thought I heard someone talk to me. I kept hearing this voice, a slightly deeper, more mature version of my own voice. It told me what not to do.
‘Did you here that?’ I kept asking everyone hoping against all odds that I was not turning into a lunatic. And every time the reply was the same ‘Hear what?’
Finally, I realized that it was only I who could hear this voice.
Naturally, I believed that it was my sub-conscious mind talking to me, so I listened to it.
‘Don’t go to the party, you would be made fun of,’ it suggested. I didn’t go.
‘Don’t eat that food, people will call you fat,’ it said. I listened and didn’t eat.
‘Don’t try for the sports team, you won’t be able to make it,’ it told me. I agreed and didn’t try.
It kept telling me not to take the decisions I wanted to and I listened to it, followed it because I believed that it was guiding me down the correct path.
Slowly and gradually, I got accustomed to the voice. So used to it, that I could not take any decision without listening to what it had to say. It ordered me around and I followed without a second thought.
It told me to go to college and get a degree which I did not want because it would help get a job, so I did. It told me not join the debate team since it would distract me from my studies, so I didn’t. It told me that a minor in English would make no sense, I should minor in something else and that is what I did.
It told me to not play video games when I wanted to, it told me not go on a trip with my friends, it told and told me and I kept following what it said until one day I realized what was happening.
It was not the voice of my sub-conscious that was guiding me; it was the voice of what society wants me to be, what the society has deemed to be correct for an individual. The voice of the society had manifested itself as my sub-conscious, drowned my inner voice and was stopping me from doing anything apart from the things in the path it had chosen for me.
It was stopping me from living my life the way I wanted it to be.
And it was then that I realized that I have to stop listening to that voice but how could I? I had gotten accustomed to it; I was completely dependent on it. One time I did stop listening and realized that I was lost without it, but it had to be done, somehow.
So now, I have decided to take things slow . Try breaking the shackles one at a time.
‘You should not be writing this,’ it said and as you can see, this time I did.